I’ve always thought humans have evolved one evolutionary step or two too far. The ability to be aware and understand our own mortality is a skill id rather not have most days. The collective trauma we have around the word cancer – it can strike the deepest fear immediately to your core. And the plethora of worries about the doom to our existence that radiate out of it. Cancer survivors have experienced facing their own mortality in a way that was unexpected, unwanted & bloody horrifying. From the moment the medical personnel murmur the simple word, life changes forever. You no longer have the safety net of narratives such as “things like this only happen to other people”.
Everything else in life gets the volume turned down. Which becomes the first of our long list of super powers. Suddenly all the seemingly huge stressors in life become so trite. They become inconveniences you wish you had to worry about versus what you really have on your plate. Stressful work deadlines, your kid sassing off, the dog crapping all over your carpet. Eh, no worries! Hell, even next level things like a minor fender bender, losing a job, having to move – sure why not! Okay, let’s take action what do we need to do to remediate the situation. At least it’s not cancer, it’s not my life or my health taken away from me. It’s manageable. I’m thankful to have the opportunity to face life head on and grow from it. It is a complete change of perspective.
Of course the flip side to cancer survivors experiencing additional stressors is – WTF life, can you just leave me alone? Haven’t I dealt with enough? Why can’t someone else just take this burden. Why can’t my partner understand I’ve spend half the day already thinking about death, maybe I don’t have the emotional capacity to clean up dog crap right now. It’s easy to fall into the trap of throwing yourself one hell of a raging pity party. But once the morning comes and you clean up the mess, you realize the pity you had for yourself is actually masked self-compassion. You alone know how much your body and mind have been through. If anyone we love went through something like that we would be a 24/7 Dog Crap Cleaning Service. Stress is relative. But once you experience the grim places cancer can take your mental health, a new level for what exactly stresses you is set. And the bar is high. Come at us, I guarantee we can take it. And likely most days with the ease and grace of a trumpeter swan. Other days we may look more like a baby giraffe learning how to walk, but still – that’s one badass baby giraffe.
One of the more challenging aspects to a cancer diagnosis for me was the impact to my loved ones. As if it’s not enough to deal with the actual tumor – now also deal with the added fun of traumatizing your family! Super duper! For me personally, the amorphous space in time where things weren’t clear and I was awaiting surgery was definitely the worst time of my life. I realized I was completely detaching myself from everyone around me. I couldn’t get myself to even text close friends, my relationship struggled, some of my family didn’t even know what I was going through. I felt like if I could just disappear, that would definitely be for the best. The stress of the situation was making me physically sick, which exacerbated my mental health issues (and created delightful new ones). I had a distinct advantage and lifeline out of this though – I happen to have an older sister who is a badass as well. Actually she’s the most badass person I know. Several years ago she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer at age 44. She trumpeter swanned her way through a year and a half treatments – surgeries, chemo, radiation – you name it, they hit her with it. Yet she took it in stride all while being an amazing mom to two young girls. So I wasn’t a newbie to stress from cancer in the family, but when it happens to you it is still a different story. I was also so worried about re-traumatizing everyone from her experiences. So while she was a source of support, I knew this was still my work to get through it. My work to find the strength she needed to find in order to get up every morning, face every test result or phone call from the doctor office. Taking ownership of the internal work and controlling our reactions is most certainly not easy, but is another area of insurmountable growth experienced by cancer survivors.
Cancer survivors have this perpetual dark storm cloud that follows them around. It’s always something that’s there, some days you don’t notice it. It is just a tiny wisp in your sky. And some days it is a massive cumulonimbus (shout out to the weather nerds). All encompassing, foreboding, unable to ignore. Cancer took me to this dark place. Like the creepy ass basement of the most obviously haunted house on the street. And you have to sit there, alone in the dark. You have no idea how long you will be there or if you will ever get out. You have to start coming to terms with this could be the remainder of your life. All the fun of planning future events, holidays, meet ups for coffee, all of those things might just not happen. You have to live in the exact present moment as it is – unfiltered and unapologetic. The comfort of living for the future is ripped out from underneath you and you are forced to really take a look at yourself as you are, now. Yet, this same dark cloud is the reason there is no alternative conclusion that cancer survivors are simply total fricken badasses. We’ve experienced some of the worst life can throw you. We deal with that cloud on a daily basis with a level of grace only comparable to other trauma survivors. This innately makes us a formidable presence.
Coming to terms with the fact that I am a cancer survivor was not easy. I still struggle with that “C” word on a nearly daily basis. Everyone knows of someone affected by cancer. Current stats are around 1 in 2 people will develop cancer in their lifetime. That is an unnerving statistic. But also, cancer mortality has been dropping since 1991 with innovative treatments, screenings and health care. Also more than 40% of cancer-related death could be preventable as they are linked to modifiable risk factors such as smoking, alcohol use, poor diet and physical inactivity. The word is scary. Facing it takes bravery. You are more brave than you are scared. And knowing we are very much not alone helps. Keeping a healthy lifestyle helps. Being kind to ourselves helps. Asking for help – helps!
If you or someone you know is dealing with mental health struggles due to a chronic disease, diagnosis or otherwise – please know you’re not alone. Seek out a trusted family, friend or health care line to have a chat – we don’t have to face our dark storm cloud days alone. Or schedule a free counseling consult with me, I would love to chat with you.
Be well,
Sara